bethanythegreat's Xanga

Hi Ate Us

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 03:24:49 GMT

Hello...so in case anyone ever stops by this blog anymore, you will see that it is not very well maintained. I guess I'm not really in a blogging place these days. Hope you all are well, and I will still try to stop by your blogs from time to time to catch up on how you are! (I think lately I've just felt a real pull in the direction of more personal interaction...and away from the computer...)

But when I start up my PhD program at F.U.L.L.E.R. Seminary in the fall (it's not an acronym, I just don't want someone to find this blog in a web search), I might be in a more blogging place again. Or maybe even before. Who knows. Until then though, peace to everyone who reads this.

(And, if any of you know me in real life and want to know what's going on in my life, please feel free to call me or email or IM or something...and maybe even we can meet up! I'm much more in a place for that these days.)

Hasta Luego.

One Resolution Down!

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 16:23:02 GMT

There's a mountain not too far from where I live where, at the top, there is the ruins of an old hotel (from the early 1900s) and some leftover stuff from an old railroad line that was there a long time ago. It's about 3 miles to get to the top of the mountain. I've gone on this trail about 4-5 times over the past year with friends of mine, but we could never make it to the top. Now, a 6 mile walk isn't that far in general, but when the first 3 of those miles are an uphill climb, it's more of a challenge, and I hadn't yet made it to the top.

So one of my new years' resolutions (the others being to take more fashion risks and to spend more time with my family) was to conquer this mountain. Well, with huge blisters on my heels (that sadly appeared about 2 miles up, even with the blister block I always put on before a hike) I made it up to the top. The last mile or so was no joke...and I wanted to turn back several times. One time I actually did turn around as if to start heading down, but then I decided to ignore the pain and just power through. It was not easy at all, but I made it! It was a nice feeling of victory - conquering the mountain.

About halfway up you cross through those big metal powerline towers. It's kind of cool, actually. If you've ever wondered what it looks like from underneath one, here ya go:

You can see one side of the windy trail it takes to get up the mountain (there's more on the other side of the mountain too). This picture was taken about 2 miles up, with 1 more mile to get to the top.

There are ruins and old railroad stuff at the top.

Yay!!! One resolution down.

Happy News!

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 07:35:52 GMT

I just found out this evening that I have been accepted to what I have been (as of late) considering my top choice doctoral program. Plus, a full tuition scholarship! After a couple of rejection letters it is nice to feel like there is a place that affirms that the work I want to do is valuable, and is open to me exploring the issues surrounding my area of interest more deeply.

It is really good news, and I'm sure I'll feel more excited about it in the morning. Right now though I just feel sleepy, and think about having to say goodbye to my students at the end of the year.

But it is good news! And when I wake up I am sure I will be elated. Sometime soon I will post a story of the application process, and how I felt God lead me to where I have now ended up. Because I really have seen God at work in this process over the past several months, and I need to testify (as much to remind myself of it as anything...).

So...yay!

The Shadow Side

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 04:00:08 GMT

I'm thinking about people and their personalities, and how every type of personality has its gifts and benefits, and its liabilities and annoyances. Some are obvious right when you meet someone--some take a long time to discover. It seems to me that often the more obvious and pronounced someone's gifts are, the more obvious and pronounced are their flaws.

But the thing is, every personality type is a mixture of something you have, and something you don't have (by virtue of having that first thing). Just as an example, if you are loud and boisterous you are not quiet and reserved (not that you can't be each of those things at various times, but usually people are one thing more often, and what I'm getting at is that you can't be both at once). So if in an encounter you choose to be quiet and keep to yourself, you are missing out on the benefits and the liabilities of being very talkative and expressive. The reverse is also true: if you choose to be very talkative and expressive in an encounter you miss out on the benefits and liabilities of being quiet and reserved. Both have their sets of things that can be fun and enjoyable, and things that can be hard and annoying (at least in my estimation).

One thing I come across that makes it tricky for me to know how to correctly and clearly view my own personality traits is that everyone seems to differently prioritize the benefits and the liabilities, and they will often make judgments on someone's personality traits based on their own assessment of what is the most valuable. So there are people who are like, "Those talkative people are self-centered attention whores; it is way better to be quiet and reserved." Then there are people who are like, "Those quiet people are boring and selfish and make everyone else do the work of engaging with them; it's way better to be talkative and engage people."

I sometimes think in these judgmental ways about people's personality traits, but I guess I kind of wish I didn't. What I want is to see people (and have others see me) as having a certain personality, and accepting it, realizing that it comes with some good and some bad. And that sometimes maybe, the bad is a necessary offshoot of a quality that is often good.

I guess this is my weird, vague, convoluted way of saying that when it happens that people don't like me, that doesn't necessarily say anything about me; and that I am trying to figure out what it means to accept and embrace my flaws as a part of me, while still also wanting to be open to God's transforming work in me. And I'm still working out whether it's possible to experience benefits of certain characteristics of mine, and not to experience the liabilities that come with it. Like, does it have to be both? For some reason I have a hunch that they go together, it just seems kind of fatalistic and like I'm not believing God is bigger than that or something.

Stolen Survey

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:29:23 GMT

A Survey: Stolen from Chicken_Pax (who stole it from someone else...) and which I slightly altered...

Ten things you wish you could say to people right now (don't list names):

1. I really want you to realize how wonderful, worthy, and beautiful you are, so you won't keep trying to get all those inconsistent, a--hole men to prove it to you, who only end up hurting you.

2. I don't think we're going to make it if you can't forgive me like I have forgiven you.

3. You talk about what size pants you wear entirely too often.

4. I'm sorry that I have been distant lately, I have been insecure around you for some reason.

5. Even though you are smoking hot, the more I have gotten to know you, the more I find our conversations totally dull.

6. Your encouragement and belief in me has been more important in my life than I think you'll ever know.

7. Thank you for embracing me in all my intensity.

8. You only talk about yourself all the time and it makes me feel used.

9. I thought for sure I was going to get a big crush on you until I found out you were a huge fan of Ron Paul. Now we'll have to wait and see...

10. I think the main reason I like to be around you is that you are not that smart or complicated, and it makes me feel calm.

Nine things about yourself:
1. I listen almost exclusively to female singers, and only a few males.

2. For a few years now I have had a strong physical attraction to Indian men (but, let's be honest, I basically like all different men...you are all beautiful beings).

3. I have basically no tolerance for pretension. It would be practically helpful if this wasn't so.

4. Lately I have really gotten into cooking, and every Sunday night I cook a big batch of something and prepack all my lunches for the week.

5. I can really enjoy crude humor and swearing and sex talk.

6. I love to be outside, and am glad to live in an area where I can hang out outside pretty much all year long.

7. Loneliness and disappointment are the two unpleasant feelings I feel the most often.

8. To relieve stress, I sometimes like to sing extremely loudly. (And I do mean extremely.)

9. I don't really believe in ordination (in terms of ordaining people as official pastors and stuff).

Eight ways to win your heart:
1. Laugh freely and frequently.

2. Be yourself all the time, even when it's not pretty.

3. Pursue the things you are passionate about.

4. Love people and seek to love them better.

5. Reference the Simpsons casually in conversation.

6. Be frequently affectionate and comfortable with your sexuality.

7. Have fun and be friends with people with developmental disabilities.

8. Seek to follow the teachings of Jesus in your daily life.

Seven things that cross your mind a lot (in no particular order):
1. Music

2. Following Jesus

3. How to love people

4. Affection/Sex

5. Whether people actually like me

6. My students' quirks

7. Scenes from The Simpsons

Six turn offs:
1. Pretense

2. Blindly following the status quo

3. Apathy

4. Sharp criticalness (towards people)

5. Being into material/tangible symbols of status/worth

6. Prudishness

Five things you're afraid of:
1. RACCOONS!!!

2. Not being good enough

3. Driving people away

4. My mom dying

5. Doctors

Four simple pleasures:

1. Playing catch in the park

2. Laughing with a friend

3. Hanging out by a body of water (lake, river, ocean, I'm not particular...)

4. Taking a shower

Two things you want to do before you die:

1. Fall in love (mutually!)

2. Live in community

But surely God wouldn't let anyone get killed?!?!

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 05:21:11 GMT

I find it really hilarious when I'm in a Bible Study or something (as happened tonight), and someone says something along the lines of, "We just need to trust that God is going to take care of us, and isn't going to let anything bad happen to us. That helps us have peace in the middle of the storms of life."

Now, I agree that nothing "bad" is going to happen to us in any kind of ultimate sense...but let's not forget that we follow a guy that got rejected and killed for being who he was. Also, basically all of his early followers got tortured and/or killed. I don't think we can have any kind of realistic sense of the crux of our faith, and still think that God is somehow going to spare us from going through really painful stuff. That is much more some kind of fluffy bunny religion than Christianity.

A couple of years ago my father (who would rather soak himself in battery acid than be a Christian) asked me what I thought I knew for sure and could count on about God (in terms of my life on earth). In other words, what does being a Christian "guarantee" me, in some sense. Here were the only things that, at the time, I thought I was very sure that we knew and could count on 100% all the time:

1) God will always love us.
2) God will always be with us.
3) We will suffer.

On my more bright days, however, I find that #1 and #2 make all the difference in #3.

Pity Party Post (Come join the party!)

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 01:33:30 GMT

Today was a horrible day. My TA was out for the day, and there was no sub sent to me, so that left me on my own for the day. A couple of my class periods are pretty manageable by myself...but a couple are not. And one of those was basically the death of me. I'm not going to go into the details of what the students did (because, honestly, I adore them and don't want to paint a picture of them just with their more heinous and annoying attributes when they are such beautiful people); but trust me, there were some particularly troublesome behaviors today.

This is on top of me being really sick all week--I have that horrible cold everyone is getting. It's not so bad as a cold (I mean, it's the usual runny nose, cough, sore throat thing), but it just has exhausted me. I've been in bed around like 8pm every night this week. So, I just didn't have the strength to deal with it. I'm totally taking tomorrow off, already got a sub.

Being sick also always reminds me of my singleness. These days I've been pretty much content and happy being single. I had a spiritual revolution a few weeks back (on January 12), and since then everything has been different. God really pulled me out of some miserable spiritual muck, that had been there for years. It was major, and it has totally shifted my perspective and priorities. Anyway, this is not to say I don't want to fall in love and find companionship with the right person, but it's not the focus of my life or my time at all right now. I feel good about my life. But then, when I'm sick like this, it really makes me feel alone.

And then I think, "You know, if I had a partner, there would be someone who would care that I was sick. They would buy me soup and call me to check in and bring me juice and a flower and pat my hair and say sweet things to me." Now, my mom would do that...but she's 2 hours away. But even though I'm 30, if she was close by don't think I wouldn't go over there and let her spoil me for a couple days. I find no shame in needing to be coddled every so often - especially when I'm feeling really sick or had a bad day or something. But you know, as good of friends as I have (and seriously, they are rock solid), friends just don't seem to go out of their way to coddle you when you're sick, you know? I mean, it's like, if you're not reaching out to them and telling them you need something (which I could do, and they would happily help out, but I suck at asking), then they're not really checking in on you trying to be helpful. They have their own stuff to deal with, and you aren't at the center of their universe the way a romantic partner, a child, or a close family member would be.

I'm not sure I am happy that that's the way things are. It just seems to be the reality of the world, don't you think? And I would really like to live in an alternate reality. But one thing I have learned during this is that when one of my single friends is sick next time, I'm going to make sure to find out if they want some coddling, and me and the soup and the dvds are going to be all OVER it.

This Tuesday is SUPER!!!

Wed, 06 Feb 2008 00:41:33 GMT

Went in this morning first thing, got in line before the polls even opened (because I was going to be late for work otherwise, not because I'm overly OCD about being late). It was kind of fun to be among a group of other people just standing together because we care about things, and want to make a difference, even if it's just by making black dots on a piece of paper. There were several young people there too, which was really exciting. Not just because I realized the voting line is a great place to meet men, but more importantly that it seems like all kinds of people are getting involved in the process this time. Very cool.

A Fun Foray Into Visual Art...

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 01:32:08 GMT

I have never considered myself a visual artist. In fact, when I do try to paint or draw something (which I enjoy doing, and still do when I feel like it nevertheless) it looks like something made by a 10 year old (an untalented 10 year old). But still, I do like creating things. I mostly write songs and enjoy that kind of creativity, but I also enjoy creating visual things from time to time. A while back my roommate and I decided that we needed a painting to go above the fireplace, but after spending a while discussing and debating various artists we could use, we decided to make something.
However, instead of working together (which we deemed too difficult), I decided we should do a split canvas. So, we did what I am now calling a surprise-split-canvas. It's split because we drew a thick black line down the middle separating the two sides. And it's a surprise because we each had to paint our side without knowing anything about what the other person's side looked like. So I created my side first, let it dry thoroughly, and covered it with newspaper. Then she did her half. Then we had an unveiling and put our initials in the middle. I think it's pretty cool - mostly because it's fun to have art up we made ourselves. (I'm not going to say which of us did which side right now...but feel free to guess!!! And if you already know because I told you or showed you, don't spoil it.) Here's the result...

The entire thing:

The left side:

The right side:

Dependence and Independence

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 05:16:33 GMT

In various arenas and parts of my life I think a lot about human dependence. I think about it relating to my students and the kinds of dependence they have on the people who help care for them. I think about the normal things all of us humans need help with from time to time. I think about the structural ways we are all dependent on tons of people seen and unseen every day (unless you grow your own food, walk everywhere, generate your own electricity, etc. etc. etc.). And I think especially about the need for other people emotionally -- we all need love, affirmation, encouragement, company, friendship, etc.

Over the course of my life, I have struggled with being too independent. I do (what I consider to be) too many things on my own. This is not necessarily because I want to do them by myself, but I just either don't realize there are people that would help me, or I don't know how to access that help. I'm getting better at this, but sadly, most of the time it doesn't even occur to me that other people would be willing to help me out with things. It's not just a bad thing though, because this results in some great learning opportunities for me. I am proactive and do things on my own and have learned independently to take care of a lot of things related to: fixing various things on my car, plumbing issues, cooking, installing fixtures, sewing, computer/technical issues, home repair, and a bunch of other things. Truthfully though, sometimes I wish I didn't know how to do all these things myself so I would be forced to receive help from someone. Of course, emotionally I depend on people all the time--for their friendship, love, support, intimacy, etc. But I still often feel like I'm taking care of too many things all by myself.

Then, I have a few very close friends who are on the other side of the spectrum. They do very little by themselves (in terms of the types of things I named above), and have to get help with everything. Well, actually, it's not like they lack the mental/physical ability to do these things independently, but they for some reason either don't think about doing it on their own, or don't think they can, so they always get help with things.

The hilarious thing is, we totally envy each other. They look at my life and wish they could be so independent and take care of things on their own, without having to ask other people for everything. And I see how people volunteer to help them, and how others seem to understand that they can't do it all alone, and I wish I could ask for help more often. We're all learning though. It's just funny to be able to see both sides of the issue all the time, and for us to constantly be saying how much we wish we were more like the other person. I guess that's part of what is great about friendship--seeing different ways to be and learning from each other how to be that way.

Human dependence is such a deep, emotionally charged, beautiful, complicated thing.